An exploration as to why a Bengali woman living in Queens with a reputation for iconoclasm is reprimanding another woman for not adhering to absurd traditions
I like the fact that it describes the bigotry/prejudices which are so difficult to shed regardless of one's education/exposure to a broader world. I also like the flow of the story.
I think the story and plot are interesting. My major criticisms are the following:
1) Grammar. I see run-ons, fragments, and misplaced modifiers all over the place. It's true that popular authors tend to ignore the strict rules of grammar, but they usually do it judiciously. Unless there is good reason to do otherwise, I would stick to the rules; otherwise it's a major distraction. I started fixing your grammar mistakes in the first two pages but it was taking up a lot of time so I'll leave the rest to you. Google "Less Than Words," by Richard Mitchell.
2) Point-of-view (POV) narration. The story's POV shifted a few times, which made it a little complicated to follow. Also, when there is a shift in POV, the prose and observations need to be consistent with the character. For example, there is a section where you introduce the character of Bhakti from the POV of Bobby (the little kid). How would Bobby know all the details about Bhakti's influence in the community? I would think his perspective would be simpler and more naive. Later, you describe the incident from Bhakti's perspective--but then you describe Sandyi's thoughts... How would Bhakti know what Sandyi is thinking? In general, try to be consistent and very clear in the narration.
3) Story development. Avoid distractions in the plot and try to keep the story flowing. If this were a novel, then I'd say you could be a little more gratuitous with character development, e.g., side stories, anecdotes, etc. In a short story, however, there is precious little room for this. If a character is not essential to the plot, then don't waste any words explaining his/her background. In this same vein, I think there were simply too many characters for a 16-page story. I started to get lost with all the names. Try to take out non-essential characters as they distract from the storyline. Reading the story should not be an exercise for the reader--it should be a relaxed, enjoyable experience (although James Joyce and Hegel may disagree with me here).
I like the fact that it describes the bigotry/prejudices which are so difficult to shed regardless of one's education/exposure to a broader world. I also like the flow of the story.
ReplyDeleteI think the story and plot are interesting. My major criticisms are the following:
ReplyDelete1) Grammar. I see run-ons, fragments, and misplaced modifiers all over the place. It's true that popular authors tend to ignore the strict rules of grammar, but they usually do it judiciously. Unless there is good reason to do otherwise, I would stick to the rules; otherwise it's a major distraction. I started fixing your grammar mistakes in the first two pages but it was taking up a lot of time so I'll leave the rest to you. Google "Less Than Words," by Richard Mitchell.
2) Point-of-view (POV) narration. The story's POV shifted a few times, which made it a little complicated to follow. Also, when there is a shift in POV, the prose and observations need to be consistent with the character. For example, there is a section where you introduce the character of Bhakti from the POV of Bobby (the little kid). How would Bobby know all the details about Bhakti's influence in the community? I would think his perspective would be simpler and more naive. Later, you describe the incident from Bhakti's perspective--but then you describe Sandyi's thoughts... How would Bhakti know what Sandyi is thinking? In general, try to be consistent and very clear in the narration.
3) Story development. Avoid distractions in the plot and try to keep the story flowing. If this were a novel, then I'd say you could be a little more gratuitous with character development, e.g., side stories, anecdotes, etc. In a short story, however, there is precious little room for this. If a character is not essential to the plot, then don't waste any words explaining his/her background. In this same vein, I think there were simply too many characters for a 16-page story. I started to get lost with all the names. Try to take out non-essential characters as they distract from the storyline. Reading the story should not be an exercise for the reader--it should be a relaxed, enjoyable experience (although James Joyce and Hegel may disagree with me here).